Lessons on Heartache,
for Kiki.
for Kiki.
- I remember that at first I would wake up every morning and the first thing that would cross my mind was the name Drew… sending a pang through my chest, just to remind me how hard I had fallen.
- I remember slipping out of bed and feeling a pit in my stomach.
- I remember feeling like my body and soul were falling apart, and I just wanted anyone, anything to hold me so I could be whole for a little while.
- I remember holding onto hope that things would work out for us, completely knowing that doing so was only hurting me longer.
- I remember checking his facebook at least 3 times a day, probably 10 times on a bad day.
- I remember being so confused… how someone who had loved me so much yesterday, didn’t want anything to do with me today.
- I remember feeling embarrassed. That was probably the biggest emotion. How could I have let myself be played like that? Embarrassed. I said it in my head and it echoed down to my heart, making it ache so deeply that nothing would help soothe it except my tears.
- I remember sleeping often to escape my daydreams of him… only to be haunted by him in my real dreams.
- I remember questioning why I had been given this experience.
- I remember questioning how someone I thought I had loved, could hurt me so deeply.
- I remember making myself smile just to keep the tears from coming.
- I remember the cut, the hurt, the literal heartache.
- I remember wondering what was wrong with me. I compared myself to others… I felt insecure. I had never felt so vulnerable, unconfident, and lonely in my life.
- I remember feeling like no one would understand me, and that people were sick of hearing my story anyway.
- I remember telling myself and my friends that I was “done” and “moved on” in hopes that my heart would take the hint and follow suit.
- I remember hurting for a LONG time..
BUt,
- I also remember myself growing stronger, slowly letting my heart detach from the idea of Drew.
- I remember the freedom I felt when my mind wasn’t being weighed down by thoughts of him
- I remember the first true happiness I felt for him – that he could move on and be a happier man one day.
- I remember the first taste of forgiveness I let slip from my mending heart.
- I remember the feeling of time healing my heart… everyday it got stronger. It was bearable after a while, the heartache was their only if I let myself dwell on it.
- I remember focusing on myself, working out, and eating right, and it felt GOOD.
- I remember gaining confidence in myself again. I had based my self-worth on who liked me.. I realize now that my self-worth is NOt and has never been dependent on men.
- I remember feeling like something had damaged me, but it would not define me. In fact, it was strengthening me.
- I remember feeling confident that I could handle hard things now. It was one of my first battles in heartache, but I had survived.
- I remember feeling my faith grow stronger as I prayed for comfort.
- I remember feeling the relief, the immense weight lifted from my shoulders when one day I was able to…….just…….let………. go.
- And I moved on.
This might sound weird, but I am now in love with myself for the first time. Honestly, truthfully, 100%. And it feels SO good. And it will come for you. All of these things will come. I promise. Your relief, your comfort, self-confidence will come. It will. I love you and so do hundreds, literally hundreds of people. Forgive yourself and love yourself. It’s the only way to heal. But take your time to heal completely. Push through, it gets better. Hugs and Kisses. Love you.
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